GROUND CONTROL TO MAJOR TOM!

In London it was digital switchover day. So as the other week, it was my task to visit the mother-in-law to sort out her TV. This is no hardship as she is a sweetie.

Last time I managed without problems and also did Tom's, the chap in the upstairs flat.

The only difference this time was I had to collect my sister-in-law Maureen from London's Paddington station.

Could I find it? I knew I was close. At the moment there are huge building works for the new East/West Crossrail service which I am sure will be brilliant when it's completed several years after my death at a ripe old age.

I drove round and round until it was time for her train to arrive, so decided the only thing to do was park on a meter and walk. Even this is no longer simple! I parked and followed the signs to the meter to discover there wasn't one. I had to try and do it by phone or face a fine of several million pounds.

It was automated, the bane of modern transactions. As a novice at this I had to do everything twice.

I was striding towards the station when the machine asked me for the number of the parking bay for a second or was it third time? So I had to leg it all the way back before I was cut off.

80p plus 20p "transaction charge" later, I managed to meet up with Maureen and hustle her through the rain to the car. Then it was off to Barnet to drop her off and retune the tv like a dutiful son-in-law.

Could I get it to work? No. All I succeeded in doing was wiping every channel from her set. Judging by the look I received I had better fix it pronto or I'll be out of the will!

A call to the helpline and I did exactly what I had done previously and it worked perfectly. The TV was mocking me. All I needed was to retune mine and full house.

My box refused to retune. It would load twnety channels, Then thirty-two or maybe sometimes fifty-one. However all I could access was "Babestation" or "The Jewellery Channel"

I called the helpline. A nice patient Scottish lady talked me through it, before in the end she gave up too and said there was nothing more she could suggest. I thanked her and seethed.

Just at bedtime I tried to reload, and well swipe me if it didn't all load perfectly.

I have seen the future. "I, Robot" is here. We are controlled by our technology.