So how was your Valentines day all in all? Did you get the champagne and chocs? Did you get the romantic meal out?
Or did it turn out to be as dull as usual with no excitement? Was it the same as last year and the year before and the year before that?
A friend of mine had a spectacularly predictable husband who she complained always took her to the same place every year and frankly wasn't very erm "active" in the trouser department.
She always knew where the "surprise" meal was going to be as the restaurant would phone her every year at exactly the same time to ask if the booking still stood, as he would make it way in advance and then forget to confirm it closer to the date.
"Why don't you surprise him with some massage oil or something?" I counselled. "That may fire him up a bit"
"How did you get on?" I asked next time I saw her.
"Disaster. Midway through the prawn cocktail I got the oil out in the candlelight and husked "wait til I get you home."
"He glared at me and barked 'If you're going to be aggressive about it we'll just go home right now'"
They later divorced.
Was looking forward to some romance with the Dark Lady when she called me with major concern in her voice as Jamie her son had been round at a friend's and had been play fighting and clonked his head severely and his dad had taken him to A and E. She picked me up and we hurried to the hospital.
We couldn't raise Barry her ex-husband on his mobile. Our hearts sank. Was he in the operating theatre? Was the blow to the head even more severe than we thought?
A multitude of dark thoughts settled on us.
I went to park the car as the DL rushed in to the hospital.
He was sitting in the children's section looking a little peaky but other than that seemingly OK. The reason for the radio silence from his dad was the total absence of a workable mobile phone signal.
The doctor called us and we all trooped into an examination area and the curtain was drawn.
She asked the lad "Who are these people?"
"My dad, my mum and my stepdad"
"Do you live with them all?"
"No, I divide my time between my mum's and my dad's"
The doctor looked at me.
I smiled wanly. She was probably thinking 'who is he and what is he doing here?'
"Everything OK at home?" he asked brightly.
She then checked his bonce for bumps, shone torches in his eyes and asked him about all sorts of symptoms which need to be checked in the event of a head injury.
"Everything alright at home?" she repeated.
"So you live at your mum's house and also at your dad's house?"
I was beginning to feel slightly paranoid. Perhaps she thought I was some sort of Vernon Dursley figure. The ghastly evil uncle who is so cruel to Harry Potter.
(I am now up to the third film by the way in the Potter saga. See previous blogs)
At last the examination and interrogation were over and we were free to go. We all went home. To the same house for our tea.
As I type these words the patient is now making a very good recovery and is slightly grumpy. Possibly because he is bored and wants to go play with his friends, although a head trauma can also cause this symptom.
Other good news is that Social Services have not come knocking wondering who I am in the grand scheme of things!