GROUND CONTROL TO MAJOR TOM!

I'm not in any way, shape or form a conspiracy theorist. The men DID land on the moon. There was no second gunman on the grassy knoll and HIV wasn't created by the CIA.



However, something does appear to be going on round my flat.

I'm not far from Lords Cricket Ground. This is where the archery is taking place. From the middle of last week things started going pear shaped, in a communications stylee.



My computer which works off a 3G signal resolutely refuses to connect to the internet.

Every time I try to make a phone call, even though my mobile is showing maximum signal strength, the person at the other end can't hear me properly.



I mentioned this to Vanessa Feltz who lives round the corner and she's having exactly the same problem.

To compound the felony, I tried to buy an item via a website. On Monday I tried and failed to complete the transaction online so I rang them up and gave them all the details on the phone. It took several goes as they couldn't hear me properly.



The next day they sent me an email asking for a six digit code, only obtainable from my card company. I rang them. Before we were cut off they told me there was no such thing, although they could see the transaction details on their computer.



I phoned the company back. They told me credit card companies often do that. If I rang them back, they may give it to me. Failing that I could scan my card and email it to them. My computer wouldn't log on, so I did it via my phone by emailing a picture.

That wasn't enough. They wanted a copy of my passport. Luckily I carry a photo of the relevant page in my phone in case I lose it on holiday.



Later that day, they emailed to say everything was now in order and I would receive my goods in 2-3 days.

It arrived this morning!

I think this is a ploy by a secret government organisation whose sole purpose is to drive its citizens mad.