HOODOO MAN

Sauntering around as I often do - although sometimes I trudge, if careworn - in determined mode, I march and approaching Friday and our regular date with the feminine side when we "Ramp up the Camp"; I have even been known to sashay!!!

I have noticed that from about now it is one long festive season. Our Sikh, Hindu, Buddhist and Jain friends are enjoying Diwali. This will soon give way to Halloween which in turn tips over into Guy Fawkes’ Night which then passes the celebratory baton to Christmas.

I have been noticing the Diwali Fireworks for a few days now and all the shops are crammed with overpriced pumpkins.

I still think that it is difficult to maintain the level of bonhomie necessary to take us through the whole festive season with this many events going on. Religious ones are selective, I do admit, although you may remember on the show some years ago we tried to start our own religion which would adopt all the holidays of existing Theologies, so that we could have as much time off as possible.

Unfortunately when we got a little bit deeper into our plans for the world’s slackest religion we realised that many of the festivals that the other more orthodox and significantly older beliefs systems had adopted involved having a fairly unpleasant time. Faced with months of fasting, scourging and walking on hot coals and sticking skewers through our cheeks we chickened out. Although in some religions even the chicken comes to a sticky end.

It seems to me that we are adopting more and more festivals from around the world. This may be in part to the ethnic melting pot that is modern Britain but there is also the financial imperative. Is it me or is Halloween and Trick or Treating (where you have to give spotty Herbert's sweets when they knock on your door or they pelt you with eggs) merely an American import? If it is, do we really need it and shouldn't we be thinking of exporting some of our festivals across the pond?

Such as Guy Fawkes night.

Just think of the fun the Yanks can have dreaming up new ways to blow up Congress or the House of Representatives. We have to prove to them that we have a history of being down on politicians. After all when it came to assassinating Premiers we were ahead of the U.S by half a century with Spencer Percival being gunned down in the House of Commons in 1812, whereas Abe Lincoln didn't buy the farm until 1865!

Just think of the fun our friends in the New World can have with "Stir up Sunday" on November 22nd when we make the Christmas pudding. Or Morris Dancing on May Day, which is dafter than a whole bunch of Arapaho or Sioux doing their traditional dances. At least ours is more inclusive and tend to end with fewer fatalities. (I have seen the films. Seems they always end up fighting the "Palefaces")

I am sure a revival of Kissing Friday (which was the Friday after Ash Wednesday) would go down a storm with all but the most PC. After all, had it not died out in the 1940's I would have loved the chance as a schoolboy to kiss girls without fear of punishment or rejection. Apparently - according to a website I stole this info from - in Leicestershire, Kissing Friday was also called Nippy Hug Day. If the bloke asked for a kiss and he was denied he could pinch the girl’s bum instead. Hmmm, I think I am beginning to see why this died out. No one seems to have any recollection of "Severe Bruising Saturday" that followed the day after.

Or could we export the audience from the "Last night of the Proms" on September 12th? Where highly trained musicians perform beautiful music whilst the audience of chinless wonders try and be "outrageous" with fancy dress and mock exaggerated weeping into enormous hankies? Wonder what the Americans would make of that?

Lock and load!