The other day as I was out walking a pleasant young Sikh gentleman fell into step next to me. He was dressed to impress and had spectacular aftershave.
"Hello I am Guru ........"
I never got the last bit.
Normally I am polite but slightly distant as I have an antenna for conmen and panhandlers.
However I am never rude. Can't see what satisfaction people get from being horrible to strangers even if they be cold callers or beggars.
"I can see you are a nice man"
Can't see anything to disagree with here. I thought.
"I can tell by the lines on your forehead"
He drew a rough sketch of my lined forehead on a pad he produced from the pocket of his elegantly tailored jacket.
His soft manicured hand gently took mine.
"You are in excellent health and have very nice hair"
Wow. How could he know all this just by looking at my palm?
"Look at my face. Remember my face"
"You are a sexy man"
Well who was I to disagree? The Dark Lady says that too. Although sometimes she has to leave the room directly after she utters it. Reappearing a few minutes later face slightly flushed from either laughing or weeping. Not quite sure which.
"You think too much. Do not think as much".
Uncanny. This has been said to me before; 30 years ago when I lived in the tiny North Yorkshire coastal village of Staithes. I was sitting in the pub; The Cod and Lobster one night and suddenly the local painter and decorator a chap called Fenton piped up:
"What's the matter with you"?
"Nothing. I'm thinking"!
"You don't want to be doing that at your age." He riposted!
Meanwhile a hundred yards further along the street and back in 2013. Guru....... was getting into his stride.
"You must not cut your hair or nails on a Tuesday"!
Not sure what this was about but then again he was right about the sexy bit and the fine hair!
"Look at my face. Remember my face". He said again.
This was beginning to resemble the ventriloquist Arthur Worsley and his dummy Charlie Brown.
"Look at me son when I'm talking to yer"!
"Have you ever been to Singapore"? He suddenly asked
"Once in 1989 for 4 days it was like going to the Arndale Centre"!
"I will be there....By your clothes I would say you are a poor but honest man"
"Well I wouldn't describe myself as rich but I do ok"
"You are poor but rich in your life. You are a happy man"
This was beginning to sound like one of those Music Hall mind reading double acts:
Man soliciting items from audience members to blindfolded man on stage.
"What am I holding in my hand? Take your TIME. Take your TIME"!
Huge applause from gullible audience.
Guru.......produced a card from his other elegantly tailored pocket on it were written words starting with Health and Happiness. Further down the list there were things like Money and Power.
"Choose two words to wish for."
"Health and happiness".
Without those everything else is meaningless.
He gave me a tiny scrunched up piece of paper.
"Hold this and tell me a number less than 100 and a colour. Not white or Black"
"Now open the paper".
I did although it took some time as it was very compressed. It read
"Now remember my face....and give me money. Paper money"
Amazing. So the "poor" part of his reading came true too!
Thursday, 27 June 2013
IT ONLY TAKES A MINUTE
Posted by Alex Lester at 18:00
Labels: Alex Lester, BBC, Radio, Radio 2, The Dark Lord
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Mmmm,I knew it, you've a bright neon sign above your head saying, "all weirdos and rip off merchants are welcome here."
No wonder he was smartly dressed!
It occurs to me that I can't remember congratulating you on your marriage. Bit late now (lol) but I'm very happy for you! oxo
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