Thursday 21 February 2013


Meanwhile back at the electrical superstore that wasn't in fact the now defunct Comet at the tail end of August 2012 as I was attempting the purchase of a budget Hifi/CD player.

"Yeah I really like a bit of Creedence/CCR"

I was beginning to hate this man and he was only trying to make a sale. Although this clumsy attempt at "bonding" was having the opposite effect.

"I'm just browsing I said" I fled to the other side of the store and looked at washing machines in the hope he'd go away.

In the end I worked my way back to the Hifi section and started to read the labels a little more intently.

"Yeah you can't beat a bit of the old CCR"

"OH FOR !"£$%%^^&*!!!"

"I'll have this one" I barked jabbing a pudgy finger at the "BJorne and Nicholson" fake Scandinavian brand CD machine, desperately wanting to flee the store with my purchase in case I was drawn into a lengthy conversation on the merits/demerits of 1960's psychedelic rock.

"Oh incidentally" I said pedantically as I left.

"It’s not’s the Steve Miller Band"

So back to the present and within 5 months of the purchase the player had failed and so I had to find the receipt.

Luckily it wasn't the now defunct Comet it was the other lot.  I phoned them on their helpline number.

"Hello. For enquiries about Deliveries Press 1.

For Credit information press 2.

For Branches 3.

Careers opportunities 4".

On it went.

"Opening Times 26

Ethical shopping 27."


"Faults 243"

I struck the buttons fast!
"Hello. Enquiries about faulty goods.  For information about the product you have purchased please select from the following menu:

For enquiries about washing machines press 1.

TV's press 2.

Vacuum cleaners 3.

DVD players 4.

Kettles 5.

Foot spa's 6.

Fondue sets 7."

On it went.

“Microwave Ovens 25.

Irons 26".


“CD players 279"

I jabbed at the buttons.

"You have selected CD players and Hi fi.  Which manufacturer do you require?

Agadishoo Press 1 

Tiayatchi 2

Omiogotcha 3

Wilberton 4"

On it went....

"Akrony 23."

Bing and Stirlusson 24

Bong and Benisson 25."


"Bjorne and Nicholson 297"

I stabbed the buttons wildly and.... rang.


"Hello. How can I help?"

"My Bjorne and Nicholson CD player has broken and I've only used it half a dozen times since I bought it a few short months ago"

"What is your post code?"

"DS59 0TT"

"When did you buy it"?

"31st August 2012"

"Hold on please"

Muzak  wiffle wiffle

"What did you say our postcode was?

"DS59 0TT"

"Hold on please"

Muzak wiffle wiffle.

"What is the branch code?


"It’s written at the top of the receipt"

"Erm 143658900222177485557744433660987321574832901"

"Hold on please"

Muzak wiffle wiffle

"What is the product code?  It’s written on the receipt?"


"Thank you.  Can you hold on a moment please?"

Muzak wiffle wiffle.  Wiffle wiffle. Wiffle wiffle. Wiffle wiffle.....silence.........

WIFFLE wiffle wiffle wiffle wiffle.

 “Sorry to keep you waiting.

That’s the Bexhill branch.  If you take the equipment back to the shop with the receipt, you can swap it for a new one.  Thank you for calling"

Click Brrrrrrrr!


I could have told them that! 

By this time it was 7pm and I was looking forward to a pint and a catch up with my old mate from college Bill Shipton.

As I was leaving the house my mobile rang.  It was the Dark Lady.

"Hang on just a second" I said grabbing at the front door. 

 It’s a little stiff so has to be slammed shut.

"I'll call back" she trilled prettily.

"No don't worry.  Just need to slam the door shut."

Ker slam slam slam Bang...SLAAAMM

"There that’s got it.  Now where were w.....oh sh£$%^&^%T!"

"What’s the matter"?

"I've just shut the door and the keys are on the kitchen table.  I've just locked myself out"!

"Sorry" said the DL. 

How on earth can this poor long suffering woman believe that the act of phoning me, and me locking the keys inside the house were somehow her fault I still cannot fathom. She has a huge heart this girl.

I have left a spare set with a neighbour a couple of doors away.

The lights were on the curtains were closed and their car was in the drive.

Were they in?

Our survey said:  "Eeee aaarrrk"!

Another friend Dave has a set.  However he's a couple of miles away.  I phoned his home.  Did he answer?

Our survey said  "Eeee aarrrk"!.

"Wonder if he's out on the town I'll call his mobile." I thought

Our survey said....  ting!

"Dave. It’s Alex.  Where are you?"

"At home"

"Yaaay can I come and get my keys?  I'll just get a cab.  Be with you shortly."

So I phoned AAAAAAA111222333 Kabs.

"Need to go to Beaufort Lane then to West Marina"

"Five minutes"

I phoned the Dark Lady back and we had a nice chat for the next 20 minutes as I sat in the cold on my front step until the cab turned up.

"Beaufort lane" said I to the driver




"No Beaufort"



"How do you spell that"?

"B- E- A- U- F- O- R- T"

"Oh you mean 'Byoofort'!



I got to the pub 45 minutes late and that first pint was ever so refreshing!

1 comment:

Jansparrot. said...

It's not just me then!! Enough to make you pull your hair out. Don't know about a pint I'd need a double after that lot.