STORMY WEATHER

With Hurricane Isaac still a tropical storm, Key West was beginning to get ready for the worst the elements could fling at them as I went to the airport to collect the hire car to ferry us to Miami and our plane home. This time it was a Ford Towncar Blando Cruiser. Acres of space and gadgets that I never fathomed.



As I went through the paperwork a steady stream of phone calls came in to the desk.

"Yes, the airport is open at the moment. We will be getting advice from the weather service at 3PM as to when the airport will be closing. Probably tomorrow or Sunday."



By the time we got back, we were ready to roll. Children all iPad/iPod armed plus other electronic devices once more, in case there was even a tiny chance they would want to look out of the window at the spectacular view.

We saw iguanas, pelicans and then...

Kaboom! The heavens opened and we slowed to a crawl with our hazards on. There was a lot of traffic leaving the Keys, to avoid being stranded by the coming storm we assumed.

Four hours later we were loading our bags at check in. Had they had a note from the airline to make sure we had decent seats after the poor service on the way over?



While we waited rain would lash the airport. Flights would stop, then off they would go again.

With three hours to wait for our flight we decided it was burger time. Dark Lady took the orders.



When she returned with mountains of food she discovered the fries were tepid to say the least. Lesser mortals would just shrug and chow down. Not my wife.

A swift, polite but firm conversation with the spotty youth behind the counter and magically hot chips arrived.

Now all we had to do was take our seats for an uneventful trip home.

Once we were in the air we turned our attention to the in flight entertainment.



Everyone was busy watching or listening. The children in the row behind were rapt.

OUR TWO SCREENS WERE BLANK!!!

Ours were the only two seats on the aircraft with non functioning in-flight entertainment!

This time it took two nice apologising people to make it work. Ninety minutes it took to crank it up. It was rebooted several times without success until a more senior person gave it a more senior reboot!

All this was going on whilst others were attempting to serve our meal.

What they had done to the chicken to render it so vile we never quite figured. At least there was wine. We rebooted ourselves with a red and a white respectively.

Dark Lady busied herself filling in yet another complaint form in a good humoured yet accurate fashion. I just sat and seethed.

I've had bad experiences before on airlines but not on this scale.

After this trip we did come to the conclusion that after using them as our airline of choice and DL's company using them for business for some years, next time we were going on a long haul trip we would make a different choice!

We were half an hour late arriving, which wasn't bad considering the weather delays at Miami.

There was only one thing left for me to do, and that was to hand over the tacky T I'd bought in Key West to Producer Strangelove.

SEA CRUISE

Over the next nine days we had the best time relaxing in the sunshine. It was so humid that every time we went outside our sunglasses would steam up.

We went down to watch the sun go down, and drank margaritas to the sound of live music.



We lazed by the pool.



We ate out.



We hired bikes. Although bizarrely Ella's saddle was stolen one night. Don't think it was a pervert. It appeared to have been swapped for a rather tatty one which chafed when she rode, so we swapped it with Jamie's who was very good about it.

We rode around on a "Ghosts and Gravestones" tour, Which had the usual guides/actors trying to whip up enthusiasm from a busload too hot to care. It seems yellow fever carried off huge quantities of inhabitants in the early days.

After a few days Jamie and I pedalled off to Front St and South Point Diving. With the aid of Henry (who did the book learning) and Will (who did the teaching in the pool and in the sea), we both now have our PADI open water diving certificates. We spent hours out on a boat diving thirty feet onto reefs for forty-five minutes at a time.



We saw... err fish. Lots of them. We saw jellyfish. Lots of them. On one dive I was just checking on Jamie, my "dive buddy". I noticed his eyes seemed big and round. He was pointing at something. I turned to see a four foot nurse shark swimming lazily past.



That was a bit of a rush.

When we weren't swimming in the pool or the sea (which was 88°F some days), we cycled into the main part of town with its array of designer shops and stores selling terrible T-shirts.

Jamie bought one. Not too awful. However, the design fell off in part when it was washed. Dark Lady to the rescue.

I'd have just put it down to experience and it being a cheap appliqued T. Not her. Back to the shop and one short, polite but firm good humoured conversation later and my stepson had a replacement.

Whilst we were there I bought a shirt which was "Best Time of the Day" appropriate. I shall reveal it in the final holiday blog. Also, whilst DL and J were in the shop Ella (16) and I (56) were standing on the pavement when a stoner couple staggered up.

"Like your shoes" slurred the woman to my stepdaughter.

"Thanks."

"Oh wow you're Briddish... you're from Cheerio country"

"Correct" I quoth.

"We all wear bowler hats and ride around in red telephone boxes hunting black taxis. View hallooo!"

The stoner couple eyed us strangely and then the woman changed her tack.

"You boyfriend and girlfriend"?

How do you respond to that? There is a forty year age gap. I like to think I'm not bad for my age but that's stretching it a bit.

"Eeewww" said Ella, which closed down the conversation and they staggered off into the night.



The day before we were due to leave I headed out to sea once more to dive onto the wreck of the USS Vandenberg.



In 2009 the ship had been sunk in 130 feet of water to form an artificial reef.

I had to go with a guide and because of the 100 foot depth it is only open to over fifteens. I had to leave Jamie behind. Not sure that he was all that bothered though.

Due to the early intimations of Hurricane Isaac, the visibility wasn't great and there was quite a strong current. We wore gloves as many of the things growing in the wreck could sting and possibly bite.

We swam in and out of the ship for nigh on twenty minutes, but the wreck was so vast we only covered about a third of it.

Back up on the boat heading back to shore I felt the warm glow of achievement.

Now all we had to do the following morning was get the hire car and drive back up the Keys to Miami for our flight home. Bearing in mind the trouble we had on the way here and the assurances we received from the airline nothing could possibly go wrong... or could it?

CRUISIN'

All ridden out. All theme parked out. Day four saw us head the 400 miles to Key West, as far south as you can go in the USA.

I hired a large car. Unlike the convertible muscle cars like the Mustangs and Camaro's I have hired in the past for American Adventures (click to see the American Adventure blogs here) this was a saloon and practical. A short cab ride to the car hire place with my Sat Nav warming up and I was soon behind the wheel of a large white car.

I bought a GPS last summer as it cost less than hiring one for 2 weeks from the rental company. As I set off back to the hotel to collect the family a text was sent:

"Am in large white car. Be ready outside the hotel. We have a long way to travel. I am driving a Pontiac Blando Brougham Towncar Sedan".

Soon everything was loaded in and we set off. The journey to Key West has some great views. 7 Mile long causeways. Wildlife. Dark Lady and I saw Iguanas. Pelicans. The children in the back saw nothing. Glued to their iPods, iPads or sleeping. Still it was a six hour journey and it passed peacefully. I don't think anyone uttered the dread words:

"Are we there yet"?

Dark Lady had booked an apartment near the beach close to the Southernmost point. It was small relaxed and boasted two small pools and was clean and well-equipped albeit with rather loose fitting items.

Cupboard door handles wobbled. The rather impressive four-drawer fridge handles wobbled. In the bathroom the towel hook constantly fell to the floor and there were no instructions for the oven

Ella - the 16 year-old who has never shown that much interest in cooking - figured out how it worked. However, it resolutely refused to get very hot until I had a brainwave. Yes ME....a brainwave!!!

Being America, the thermostat was reading Fahrenheit as opposed to Celcius, as they do here. So 150f wasn't that hot bearing in mind the outside temperature was hovering around 90f.

After that we had no trouble and the Dark Lady served some memorable meals as we in turn baked ourselves by the pool.

We were there mainly to relax. Which we did. However, we did do a number of memorable things. I shall tell you in a future blog. What is more, in one instance, I lived to tell the tale.

Helpful clue coming up...

FAIRGROUND ATTRACTION

The plan was to spend three days in Orlando at the amusement parks, then hire a car and drive the four hundred miles to Key West for the remaining ten days of the trip.

The children wanted to visit the Harry Potter attractions in particular. To that end I had sat through all eight of the films, so I would be conversant in the ways of warthogs and its various houses and owls.



In order that we would minimise the queues we had to get there for the opening, which meant getting up early. The thought of rousing two teenagers at the crack made my heart sink. However, they were up, dressed and raring to go. Dark Lady was too. It was just her rather reluctant husband who would rather have remained abed.

"Don't spoil it Alex. Don't spoil it." The words ran round my brain. It was for the children. So attaching a grin to my face, I made ready.



I think I was expecting a sort of fairground ride of the type I endured as a kid. Peeling paint, missing lightbulbs and surly gum-chewing bequiffed tattooed staff.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Oh, apart from the tatts. America is the world tattooing capital. Even infants have sleeves of ink or so it seems.

The whole place was a revelation. The attention to detail was incredible. There were animatronic owls with real guano. The pictures spoke to you. The wand shop with the help of the shopkeeper chose a child's wand. There was disgusting butterbeer for sale (it really was vile). In one shop the angry book with teeth growled from behind its bars.

The only downside was my dislike of "rides". Try that again. The only up, down and sideways were the rides. Every themed attraction on the Universal lot seemed to involve being upside down for a considerable period of time. I'm not scared, it's the motion that makes my stomach turn over.

We whirled our way through Spiderman, The Simpsons, The Cat in the Hat and Dudley Do-Right's Rip Saw Falls. Or was it Popeye and Bluto's Bilge Rat Barges? I forget. I chickened out of Dr Doom's Fearfall and The Incredible Hulk Coaster - check out the video on my Facebook page.

Two days at Universal and a day at Disney and I was all parked out. We were staying at the Hard Rock Hotel so the place was stuffed with memorabilia.

"Look kids, Dick Dale's Fender Stratocaster. He imitates the sound of the surf with his guitar."

"Eh?"



Still, the food was good and they had beer.



Did I enjoy it? Yes. Did the children? Certainly. Did the DL? Definitely. Would I do it again? If the choice was mine, no. However I can honestly say I had a great time.

WE'RE ON OUR WAY

Airport arrival and then to the check in. Dark Lady is a General when it comes to organisation, so we were briskly marshalled to the check-in desk. She had checked us in the night before, and had been trying for days to get us a seat allocation without success as the airline website wouldn't play ball and kept telling her that she couldn't reserve seats on the aircraft.



With this in mind we arrived early so we could pick our seats.

"I'm sorry, these are the only seats we have available. All the others have been allocated" beamed the woman on the desk.

"Whhaaatttt?"

"All the others have been allocated. We keep a few back."

"We've been trying for weeks, and the moment the flight was opened on the internet twenty-four hours ago we tried to get on to reserve seats and the website wouldn't let us."

"Well I've no idea about that, but these seats are all we have left as the flight is full."

DL was fuming by now as she has a very highly developed sense of injustice. She is not given to shouting (luckily for me) but when she gives you the Paddington Bear hard stare the temperature drops by several degrees.

"You messed up the seating allocation when we went on our honeymoon. Changing it so we couldn't sit together. The year before we reserved seats and on the day you changed the plane at the last minute so we didn't get the seats we wanted. The company I work for always uses your airline for its business travel, and you tell me there is nothing you can do?"

"Sorry, no."

"Can we speak to a supervisor please?"

A person was duly summoned, and the DL politely and patiently explained the situation.

"Sorry" said the supervisor.

I think all that happens under these circumstances is that the higher up the management chain and the larger the salary, the person is trained to say "sorry" with more gravity and sincerity. It amounts to the same thing:

"Hard luck buster!"

We trudged onto the plane for our nine hour flight only to discover shortly after take off that the much vaunted in-flight entertainment system wasn't working. So we couldn't see any movies or anything.



When I say it wasn't working, it was for absolutely everyone else but us. Luckily the children had working TV. Just not the Dark Lady and myself.

"Sorry" said the steward. "I'll try and reboot it."

BOOT... Nothing.

"Sorry" said the steward. "I'll try and reboot it again."

BOOT... Still nothing.

"Could we please speak to someone in authority?"

A nice lady was summoned.

"Sorry" she said. "This really isn't good enough". She produced complaint forms to fill in, which the DL did - crisply, efficiently and accurately.

I suggested getting wildly drunk and trying to open the door mid-flight. She disagreed and carried on writing.

The nice lady re-appeared with a bottle of champagne substitute.

"Very sorry" she reiterated. "We'll put a note on the computer so that the staff will know about this on your return journey. You are flying back from Miami, and our aircraft are more modern on the route so you shouldn't have any trouble. I'll try and reboot the system once again."

BOOT... Clank whirr. Success! We had movies... two hours late but they were there. Now the rest of the trip should be plain sailing. Shouldn't it?

HOLIDAY ROCK

Fab two weeks in Florida. A real test too. This was the first proper family holiday. How would I cope with a wife and a 13 year old boy and a 16 year old girl?

Would there be tantrums and furious rages followed by long sulks?

I say this not because they are difficult. It is just that I can still remember myself at that age. Little known fact I was the All England Sulking Champion back in '66. A fact overlooked at the time as most attention was focussed on England winning the World Cup that year.

After the show on the Friday we set off for Gatwick around 6am after everyone was shoe-horned into the car including massive amounts of luggage. (Dark Lady had packed for me.)

I was toting more clothes for a fortnight than I ever did for my month long trans America drives of a few years back. (you can view previous American Adventure blogs here.)

We set off and peace reigned.

This was going to be plain sailing!

MARGHERITAVILLE

Last full day before my first holiday with "the family". We are off to Florida.

I'm really looking forward to it. We've only really spent weekends together before so, as Step-father to a 16 year old girl and a 13 year old boy, I'm aware there could be teen tensions. However, I have factored certain fail safes into the trip. Diversions!

The first few days are going to be at the Harry Potter experience park thingy in Orlando, Florida.

In preparation I've watched all 8 films. So I'm good to go. I know Voldermort. I can name Slitherin as one of the Hogwarts Houses and Robbie Coltrane is a big grubby bloke and there is a very irritating elf thing called Knobby that gets killed and - I'm ashamed to say - I was glad.

Then we are driving 6 hours down to Key West. We've got a good deal on a big car. So if there is any risk of argument, all four of us can be separated by several feet.

When we get to our apartment, Jamie and I are going to go on a scuba diving course. This lasts three days.

So whilst the Dark Lady and Ella lie on the beach soaking up the rays and fighting off the attentions of oily Lotharios, we shall - in theory - be exploring reefs. Though in practice I think we may be in the pool trying to get water out of our masks.

My mate, Tony, who is a very experienced diver sent me this useful piece of advice:

"Slow movement and slow deep breaths. It is wonderful. Don't kiss any sharks"!

The fortnight will fly by. As I have told the family

"We will have fun. THAT IS AN ORDER"!