Tuesday 16 August 2011


Serious stuff like riots and looting have been taking up a lot of our thoughts in recent days and the fallout from this ghastly business has had decision makers and politicos queuing up to out-tough one another with their solutions.

Whatever your thoughts, there does seem a fair amount of showboating going on…

"String ‘em up"

"Birch them, then string ‘em up"

“Spell in the army. Birch them then string ‘em up!

“Spell in the army. Birch them. String ‘em up and then give ‘em life, that means life!”

It’s a tough love version of Happy Families. Or, in this case, unhappy broken homes.

I for one won't enter into this debate as I would not really know where to start. If I was a Dictator I am sure the power would corrupt me totally within seconds so that, although my liberal conscience would be telling me that criminals need understanding, my other side would be executing people for whistling and tapping their pencil in the office and sentencing people to life imprisonment without parole for bad Karaoke.

Before some of our cities were put to the torch I travelled to Salisbury for another "Nerd Night". As I have mentioned in previous blogs, this is where people from the Radio Industry gather together to eat and drink too much and talk about jingles and the like.

These occasions are good fun (despite me knowing little - or nothing - about jingles). I don't know one end of a "doughnut" from a "dry sweeper". For me these occasions are all about one thing and one thing only.



Getting away from "the wife"?

Nope. Beer!

Having now been going to the gym regularly for about 4 months, the bod is coming on quite nicely and the Dark Lady has noted how firm I have become. (Steady!!)

The only downside is that the totally ripped physique is still hiding under a layer of blubber so in order to find it there needs to be a certain amount of propping and prodding; now I know how Vets feel!

Whilst the rioting and looting was at its peak, DL and I were in London's Regents Park where there is an outdoor theatre; never having been to this venue before it seemed like a good wheeze to check it out, particularly as there was a run of Crazy for You just starting which was a show within a show with all the music being by George Gershwin. The premise being a bloke goes to the wild west and puts on a show. Frankly, any performance that has tap dancing and a drunken mirror scene as inspired by the Marx Brothers in Duck Soup is a winner with me.

Luckily most of the bad stuff was going on some distance away but we were still aware of Police activity during the quiet bits.

Woman stage front singing:

"There's a somebody I'm longing to see"

In Background: Ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner!

"I hope that he..."

"Alright, sonny, you're nicked"

"…Turns out to be…"

"You'll never take me alive Coppa!"

"….Someone to watch over meeeeee"

OK, slight exaggeration but you get my drift.

However, the civil unrest didn't spoil our entertainment and we duly exited the theatre through the side entrance, as the park had shut for the night by the time the show finished.

We then walked round in a circle for about 20 minutes trying to find the DL's car. When I have been to a show during the week I am very aware that there is very little bedtime so it is always a desperate rush to get back to the flat for a few Z's before I am up and into the studio for another morning’s buffoonery.

The DL could easily be a top class rally driver, for once we were in the car and lashed in, it took only several seconds before we pulled up outside my place. A quick peck and I was hurled to the pavement and she sped off in the direction of the bazoom of her family.

A great evening and a show I had not seen for about 20 years.

Later in the week came another show I hadn't seen in 41 years….


When I was about 14, I had squired the wonderfully named Rosemary Pickup to Birmingham Town Hall to see Status Quo. Think it was for their "Pile Driver" tour. As I recall they were spectacularly loud. The place was a sea of denim and hair and we had a great time and my ears whistled afterwards.

This time round the lads were doing a special gig for us at Radio 2. They have lost none of their power but have had a few more hits since then. Surprisingly they didn't do "Rockin' all over the World". Still that is always the law of concerts. You go see an artist you like and they don't do the one song that is your favourite.

The place was a sea of denim and balding pates. We had a great time and my ears whistled afterwards. Hurried back to the DL's car. Seconds later a quick peck and I was hurled to the pavement as she sped off to the bazoom of her family.

Still this is better than the original Quo gig. We got the bus home to my Mum and Dad's house and I don't think I even got a peck! I was so nervous that I probably would have fainted if I had!

Weekend and it was off to Hastings to do a few Weddingy things. The nuptials are but 4 months away and we have been hard at work organising things. Well, the Dark Lady has, and I have been mainly agreeing; not because I am not interested, it is just that it is more a girl thing and she is good with colours and stuff. I think I am doing OK for when we turned up at the venue to check certain things like seating plans and flowers. The woman who runs the place said I was one of the few grooms she had ever seen before the big day.

I am still sorting out the bloke stuff such as what I am going to wear. I have said it would be a suit of lights like a Matador but I think that idea is now taking a back seat to maybe a Teddy Boys drape jacket or a Frock coat. Passing a swanky tailors in London the other day I wandered in and asked how much it would cost to make me a jacket. The bloke - regarding me as if I was something particularly odoriferous that he had just scraped from his shoe – sneered, "Oh, about a thousand pounds for the cheaper material".

Sorry, it is the big day for two mortals. Not the Beckhams!

Meanwhile back in Hastings having sorted out the venue and not my clothes, a mild diversion was in order. Ever since I was a kid I have loved this town and one of the pleasures of it in the summer was to go on the boating lake. There were several dotted around town including one in Alexandra Park. Not seen any boats on there in many a long year sadly but the one on the sea front is still going. As a child it had paraffin-engined wooden motor-boats and the lake was vast. Parts of it have been filled in over the years so now it is far smaller and motor boats have been replaced by rather forlorn-looking Swan-shaped Pedalos.

We queued until ours (Number 16, incidentally!) arrived. I clambered in only to be asked to swap sides by the "wrangler". In the old days these guys had tattoos, a DA and chewed gum and smoked all at the same time. These were the rough boys my Mother warned my sister about. In 2011 the tattoos are still there but the head is shaved. Smoking is outlawed and so that only leaves the gum.

Apparently the Wrangler was taking exception to my fine muscular frame as the Swan was leaning drunkenly and alarmingly to one side....my side, whereas the DL's side was completely out of the water. This was - I assume - very similar to the last minutes of the Titanic (although the story would have carried far less weight had it been a tale of two lovers aboard a pedalo that hit a small chunk of ice on a boating lake in East Sussex!)

I swapped sides and the Swan floated evenly. Off we pedalled for our 15 minutes. It soon became apparent why my side was leaning: the poor old thing was so abused and battered that it was half-full of water! This was not aided by yet more arriving in the foot well on the Dark Lady's side through gaps in the mechanism. Luckily I had only stumped up for a quarter of an hour. Any longer and we would have had to walk back. As it was I think the creature bottomed a few times. The lake is only 18 inches deep so I don't think we would have been in any danger.

Then it was off to visit my God Parents, Auntie Stephanie and Uncle Norman. They are great fun and love to see our holiday snaps. Not seen them for a couple of months so they were keen to see how we got on in San Francisco on our trip in June. Plugged the computer into their big TV and away we went…all the while with one big nagging doubt.

"Had I erased THOSE pictures?"

If you read the holiday blog you will know that we visited Las Vegas and due to a combination of circumstances and happy accidents we were upgraded twice so in the end we had a suite; it included full laundry facilities, a Super King-sized bed, a living room with a marble-topped 6 seater dining table, an L-shaped leather corner suite, a fully-fitted kitchen, five TV's including an overhead projector, and a two-person Jacuzzi. Unable to resist, I took various pics of the room and the DL in the big bath covered by strategic bubbles! The only think I forgot was that if the bath is surrounded on all sides by mirrored walls it is better that the photographer is wearing more than a camera! It may look sweet if the photographer is 5. If he is 55, the pictures and their rather revealing reflections should not be shown to anyone. Especially an elderly couple who have know you since you were an egg.

Don't forget I am now on Facebook, you can find me here. I am also on Twitter (ooh, get me!) you can add me @alexthedarklord or visit here .
And if you want to hear a record on the shoe - maybe one you haven't heard in years, one that means something to you or just a darned good record you think would sound great, then I would love to hear from you. Submit your suggestions here.
And - last thing - make sure you download this week's Oddcast; the funniest bits from the week all mixed together in one bite-seized chunk. Click here.


Martin Lower said...

Glad you enjoyed the mighty Quo, Dark Lord. I saw them at the Brighton Centre in 1982. I think they were on their twentieth anniversary tour then!
Blimey, they were loud!
Love the shoe.....

mwhite229 said...

Great blog as usual Alex, had to laugh at the comment about cost of a jacket - my better half fancied a tweed suit (we live deep in the heart of the Scottish Borders) so we went to a posh shop in Edinburgh and - after the guy looked the old man up and down with a sniffy look - advised that their cheaper tweed suits started around £1100 - we left rather quickly - by the way, had you deleted "those" photos - you didn't actually say if your older relatives had a laugh or not!!
Impressed by your first comments - we should get a petition up "The Dark Lord for Prime Minister" - you'd be great but perhpas you would have to leave the Shoe, so perhaps not.

Slyppery Syd said...

What ever has happened to blubberwatch? Alex, a sinking boat is a sure sign of too much blubber - tut tut, shame!
Weddings? My friend got married in China, it only cost him 50 pence and he wore his normal clothes. That is my image of getting married! .... only snag, the air fare cost a little bit more.
PS. Good job I don't do karaoke!